Letting Go
by Arcynic
Summary: I’m giving you my heart. But—I’m only lending it to you, see? So one day you’ll have to find me and give it back. [RL, JL] [oneshot]


The next revision batch update for Bet is already killing me and I've yet to finish even one page of chapter six. This one will take a while since a) I hate these chapters, they're boring and useless and a bit on the short side and I want to delete them but can't so it's going to take a _lot_ of revising, and b) the ball chapter is the last one of the batch and homg that thing is 22 pages long, which is very long for _me_. So until I feel up to revising, here's something I thought of long ago but never wrote out.

-

"_Something's wrong, isn't it?" She asks solemnly, tugging on one of her cute red pigtails. He blinks._

"_Wh—what makes you say that?"_

"_Whenever something's wrong, you never meet my eyes." She says pointedly as he can't seem to take his eyes off of his shoes. _

"_Nothing's wrong." He replies defiantly, bracing himself as he brings his gaze up. He falters as he meets her bright green eyes. _

"_Look at that bird over there!" He calls suddenly, pointing to a direction behind her. _

_She huffs, placing her chubby hands on her hips, "That's not going to work."_

_He smiles weakly, "It was worth the try."_

_She 'hm'-s lightly, circling him like a shark. She always makes him nervous when she does that. He supposes it would be easier just come out with it; quick and painless—like ripping off a Band-Aid. Like a Band-Aid; one, two—_

"_I'm moving."_

_Her eyes widen and she inhales sharply, "What?"_

_Three._

_Well, it had been quick, but certainly not painless. He rubs his arm awkwardly, "I—I'm moving."_

"_B—But you can't. You—" She breaks off, voice almost hysterical._

"_Lily, Lily calm down." He says, taking hold of her tiny shoulders as he tries to quell his own sadness. _

"_But you're my best friend!" She cries, wrapping her arms around his neck. His fingers curl awkwardly, unsure of how to act to such an intimate embrace from her. Slowly he places a hesitant hand on her back and begins to pat her gently._

"_It'll be okay, Lils." He replies softly, using his personal nickname for her. She shakes her head, burrowing her face into his shirt._

"_You can't leave if I don't let go of you." She says, voice muffled by the fabric. _

_The corners of his mouth turn up slightly, "You're being awfully childish, Lils."_

"_I _am_ a child." She replies. He smothers a laugh at her uncharacteristic reply._

"_That's not what you'd usually say to Petunia."_

"_Bollocks to her then."_

_He smiles patiently, "You have to let go some time, Lils."_

"_Never."_

"_I might have to use the loo."_

"_I might not let you."_

"_And if I start to smell?"_

"_I'll stop breathing."_

"_And when you need to sleep?"_

"_I'll use you as a pillow."_

_His hands suddenly tighten around her and he burrows his head in her bright red hair, "I'm going to miss you so much."_

_He feels her hands curl tighter around fistfuls of his sweater, "I'm gonna miss you more."_

_-_

"_So soon, huh?"_

_He nods, "Ten minutes."_

"_I have to give you something."_

_He shakes his head in protest, "No, you don't have to."_

"_I _do_." She replies adamantly. He knows she won't take no for an answer so he watches patiently as she upturns each of her pockets, only to come up empty handed. _

"_Well?" He asks, trying hard not to smile as she lets out an irritated groan. _

"_I'll run back to my house to find something."_

_He sighs, "There's not that much time left, Lils, I'd rather—"_

_He cuts off as she blinks owlishly, "You'd rather what?"_

_He smiles sadly, "I'd rather spend all the time I can with you."_

_She's not quite sure what to say, she's much too young to understand the sentiment and he's much too smart to believe she would. Instead, she suddenly blinks and smiles, turning her wide green eyes on him._

"_Close your eyes and hold out your hands."_

"_What?" He asks in confusion._

"_Just do it."_

_And he complies as he always does. He never could manage to say no to her. And suddenly something warm is in his palm. He opens one eye,_

"_You're giving me your hand?" He asks, staring hard at her tiny hand in his as if he is missing something._

"_No, stupid." She says as she takes her hand away. He turns his attention to his now empty hands._

"_You're giving me air?"_

"_No," She said, brows furrowed in irritation._

"_Then…?"_

"_I'm giving you my heart."_

_He blinks, "Pardon?"_

"_My heart." She repeats, placing her hand on the left side of her chest for emphasis._

"_Lily, there's nothing—"_

_She cuts him off with an irritated look, "_I'm giving you my heart_," she repeats with emphasis._

_And he listens, somehow fascinated by her words and the melodious tone with which she says them._

"_But—I'm only lending it to you, see?" She says, motioning with her hands, "So one day, you'll have to find me and—and—" she breaks off and he gently nudges her with his shoulder._

"_One day, you'll have to find me and give it back. O—Okay?"_

_He smiles, "Okay."_

"_Hey, Remus?"_

"_Hm?"_

"_Remus…"_

"_Yeah?"_

"Remus!"

He blinks and wonders if he is still dreaming or not as he stares into bright green eyes.

"Remus, I've been calling you for ages now." Lily says, an amused smile on her lips.

"Oh, sorry," he replies, shaking his head to clear the last remainders of bright red pigtails from his mind.

"You must have been thinking of something really important for _you_ to be so caught up in it."

He nods.

"So what _were_ you thinking about?"

"You," he says easily. He's never found it in him to lie—especially not to her.

"Oh?" She responds, a pleased blush rising on her cheeks.

"And James." And it isn't technically a lie either; he _has_ been thinking of them often as of late.

"_Oh_." She repeats, sourly.

"He loves you, Lily." He says simply—wistfully.

"Well I love _you_." She snaps without thinking. She becomes horrified a second afterwards, covering her mouth with her hands. He winces as well, but not from shock. He has already guessed, suspected—_hoped_ for far too long. But he also knows what he must do.

"He's perfect for you."

"I don't want _perfect_." She says.

"He'll make you happy."

"I can't be happy _all _the time."

"He can give you everything I can't."

"I don't want anything _but _you." She says, wrapping her arms around him. He inhales her scent, sunflowers and daffodils and freshly cut grass as they run through her backyard holding hands and he knows that it's wrong but then it feels so _right_.

"I found you." He says, voice muffled by the fabric of her cloak.

"Wh—what?" She manages, squeezing her eyes shut as she tries to breathe him in, peppermints and incense and something she's never quite been able to identify as they wander through his attic looking for adventure and she knows that this is the one thing he will not compromise on but the one thing she so desperately _needs_.

"I found you, seven years ago, wearing your hair in pigtails—why don't you wear your hair in pigtails anymore—and smiling so excitedly as the hat was placed over your dark—when did it get so much darker—head."

"Remus."

"And for seven years, I've been selfish, so selfish—"

"Remus, please stop." She's begging now.

"But I have to—"

"Remus, I'll wear my hair in pigtails, I'll dye it brighter, please—"

"I'm giving you back your heart, Lily."

"Remus—"

"You lent it to me and for _seven_ years I've selfishly held on to it, kept it—"

"Re—"

"But I have to give it back—"

"_No_."

"Lily."

She won't meet his gaze.

"Give your heart to James, Lily. He'll be able to protect it. He'll be able to love it. He won't taint it. He—"

"When did you start calling me Lily?" She asks softly, her breath tickling his neck.

"He loves you, _Lils_," He whispers just as softly, smothering a laugh and holding back tears, "He loves you like I _can't_."

"Remus—" She pleads, one last time.

He smiles, "You have to let go some time, Lils."

"Evans? Evans are you in here?"

And she springs apart from him hastily, wiping away traces of unshed tears. She hasn't quite figured it out yet, she's much too naive to understand and he's much too intelligent to believe she would.

She's let go of him a long time ago.

"Over here, Potter!" She calls out, straightening her robes, "What do you want?"

"Prefect's meeting." He says, balancing several books and bottles of ink as he walks over, "All right, Moony?"

He nods, "All right, Prongs?"

"Stellar. So, Evans?" He says, turning expectantly to her.

She nods, "Yes, l—let's go." And as she gathers up her books James gallantly offers to carry them as well. She protests, but she knows he won't take no for an answer and so she watches with amusement as he almost topples over by the weight of all the books.

"Hey Prongs!" Remus calls out as the two make their way out of the library. They turn, him curiously and her anxiously.

And he smiles—for the cosmic irony of it all is too much for him not to, "Take good care of her, eh?"

James blinks in confusion but nods all the same, grinning back, "Of course, Moony, what do you take me for?"

And Lily swallows the lump in her throat and tries to concentrate on James as he talks to her about the meeting; and she breathes him in, sweat and dirt and something so uniquely him that she's never quite been able to identify as he's running up to her after every quidditch match, every meal, every class, and she knows that it's not much but it's still a _start_.

And she still has no idea, Remus muses, she's much too naive to believe it and he's much too intelligent to think she might.

It was always him who could never let go.

-

A/N: Oh dear, I can almost never write angst and yet this was one of the easiest fics I've ever written. Yes, I'll admit that as much as I love the good old canon ship JamesLily, I've always had a soft spot for the unconventional RemusLily pairing. If you could put it into canon world, Remus lived near Lily before he was bit, and afterwards he had to move to the wizarding world because his turning into a werewolf would be even _less _tolerated in the muggle world. This is only if Remus was bitten only a year or two before Hogwarts, and my memory is hazy. If that's wrong, then categorize this as AU, meh. Though, of course, Lily and James _did_ start to go out in 7th year according to canon, or so I've read.

_Insightful_ reviews, comments, criticisms, or what have you for this one would be _greatly_ appreciated, as I'm not sure how well this actually turned out.


End file.
